[dnd] Game of Thrones as a DnD Campaign

[Valentin Lungu]

For those of you that have read the books / watched the show, I thought this
was hilarious :)

*    DnD Campaign: A Game of Thrones*

//================================================================================================

> DM: Okay, so Sean is playing a nobleman, Kit is playing his bastard son,
Emma's some dragon lady,
> Nick is playing a member of a rival house, and Maisie wants to be an
eight-year-old ninja. Pete,
> what did you roll up?
> Pete: I'm a dwarf.
> DM: Uh... I *did* tell you that this was a fairly realistic campaign.
> Pete: I want to be a dwarf.
> DM: But you *always* play dwarves. It's getting -
> Pete: Alright, I'll be a human. A very *short* human. Oh, and I've maxed
out my INT and CHA.
> DM: Ugh. Whatever. Just pick a house.
> Pete: Okay, I'll be part of Nick's. They're the richest.
> Nick: Small world.
> Pete: ...

//================================================================================================

>Sean: Does an 18 beat your AC?
>Nick: Nope. My turn.
>DM: Seriously, you guys are fighting in the middle of the goddamn street?
Do you seriously think
>there won't be repercussions?
>Nick: 19.
>Sean: Nope, no hit. Okay, I circle around and full attack.
>Nick: My hireling stabs you in the leg. He got a 23 on his to-hit.
>Sean: The fuck?
>Nick: Leadership feat, bitch.
>Sean: Fuck you, Nick.

//================================================================================================

> DM: Okay, Nick, you're at King's Landing. Your sister, Queen Cersei,
greets you warmly. As twins,
> you've been close since childhood, and if you trust anyone in this
Byzantine city, it's her.
> Nick: I start talking shit about her vagina.
> DM: Goddamn it, Nick, I am NOT going to roleplay your creepy incest
fetish!
> Nick: That's not what you said during the session in Winterfell.
> DM: I was drunk.
> Kit: Uh, hello? Aren't we all supposed to be up north, near the wall?
> Nick: Fuck you, I want to fuck Cersei.
> Sean: She's your *sister.*
> Nick: That's not a no.
> DM: (Sigh) Alright, you start mocking your twin sister. Justifiably upset,
she slaps you.
> Nick: I roll to seduce.
> Pete: Jesus fucking Christ.
> DM: Whatever, just roll for it.
> Nick: ...
> Pete: What the fuck, Nick?
> Nick: Natural fucking twenty!
> DM: I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

//================================================================================================

> Sean: Guys, this has been really fun -
> Emma: Hey, look, I'm fucking this Mongolian guy!
> Sean: But I -
> Emma: He's got all these braids and shit -
> Sean: - really need to -
> Emma: - and he's hung like a horse, and the Dothraki -
> Sean: Alright, STOP.
> Emma: I don't see why you need to yell.
> Sean: George, Emma's been here for the last twelve sessions, and she
hasn't done anything except
> tell us how wonderful the Dothraki are, and how hot her Mongol boyfriend
is, and how she's the lost
> princess of the super secret dragon people. For the last twelve sessions,
all you've done is lavish
> her character with gifts, when she's done fuck all to deserve them. I'm
waist high in pig shit and
> begging for my life, and the worst thing Emma's had to deal with so far is
a bad batch of wine that
> your DMPC CONVENIENTLY managed to save her from. I'm fucking tired of it.
Fuck you, George. Just
> because you're fucking Emma doesn't mean you have to fuck us, too.
> DM: Okay.
> Sean: ... what?
> DM: At the last second, King Joffrey changes his mind. "Ser Ilyn," he
says, "Bring me his head!"
> Sean: Fuck you, George. I'm leaving.
> Emma: Well that was rude.
> Nick: He shouldn't have lost his head.

//================================================================================================

>DM:Well Sean, glad to see you've gotten over that little incident.
>Sean: Whatever
>DM: So let's see your character...your old character's son, with the same
stats and personality as
> your last character...
>Sean: Also, I'm going to declare myself King in the North and attack Nick's
family.
>DM: Goddammit Sean

//================================================================================================

>Sean: Okay, since my characters unfortunate death, I'm going to be running
this next adventure. George,
>you can play the Mongol boyfriend.
>George: Okay, I guess that's cool. Just try not to mess u..
>Sean: Roll a fortitude save.
>George: Natural 20, and my +9 bonu..
>Sean: Your character dies.
>Emma: No! You can't kill my Mongol Boyfriend! I love him so much and he
gave me a white horse and killed
>my evil brother without breaking his own strange code of honor and he's
going to march on Kings Landing
>just like George said he would and kill all your characters and give me the
throne!
>Sean: Okay, okay. The witch lady can save him. You just have to go against
everything he stands for. Oh,
>and you're going into labor.
>Pete: Sean, I think you may be going too far.
>Sean: Fuck you, Pete. Stay out of this.
>Sean: No reason to get short with me.

//================================================================================================

>Sean: All right, so your mongol boyfriend is dead and the witch is reviving
him.
>Emma: Yay! Now we can conquer the world together. He's unbeatable, you
know, and he's got an entire horde
>of mongols! We're going to win back the throne I lost as a child! I can't
wait to see him. I'm going to go
>see how it's going.
>Sean: Right, right. Make me a fortitude save as you enter.
>Emma: Why?
>Sean: No worries. Seems you fail. You go into labor. The witch comes over
and helps you deliver. The child
>is stillborn.
>Emma:What? No! Me and my mongol boyfriend had such plans for him and I
totally ate a horse heart and
>everything--
>Sean: The witch informs you that you had to trade a life for a life. Your
Mongol Boyfriend is alive. Would
>you like to speak to him?
>Emma: Of course. We've lost our child but--
>Sean: He drools on you. He can't speak. You see, the witch rolled a natural
one on her heal check---
>George: That's not how that works!
>Sean: And I just lost two characters. Look? See. I rolled. 1.
>George: You're making her cry!
>Sean: You know what can't cry? My character's severed head. Rocks fall,
everyone dies.
>Emma: I'm going to run into my Mongol Boyfriend's funeral pyre! I can't
live without him!
>George:....with your possessions, right?
>Sean: What does it matter? She wants to die, let her die. You and
everything on your sheet start to burn.
>George: Her dragon eggs hatch.
>Sean: What?
>George: It's right there on page 420 of the Draconomicon. It's how you
hatch them. Extreme heat.
>Sean: -flips table- THAT'S IT, CAMPAIGN OVER.

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